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The Stigma of Male Suffering
I am a 37-year-old man, and my wife is the same age. We have one daughter. This is a story about the profound issues that arose in my marriage.
Generally, society talks most about women who are victims of men, and as a result, husbands and men often face intense scrutiny and criticism. While those stories are valid, I know that there are also many men in this society who carry deeply severe mental pain and suffering due to the actions and behavior of their wives.
It is for this reason, and in the hope that my story might offer something valuable for reflection—particularly to other women—that I share this experience.
Our Background: A Foundation of Differences
I am a government officer with a university degree in Chemistry. My wife, on the other hand, studied up to Advanced Level but works in a state bank, earning a salary that is about three times higher than mine.
We both grew up in the same area and met during our Advanced Level studies. While our family backgrounds had no significant incompatibilities—my parents both held government jobs, and my younger brother is a doctor, while my wife has three elder sisters—my family was not initially in favor of our relationship. However, since their objections were not based on sound reasons, I did not end the relationship.
My wife entered the workforce immediately after finishing her Advanced Levels, while I was still at university. During those years, she provided significant financial support to me while I was studying, which I deeply appreciated. Despite all the obstacles, our love persevered, and we got married.
We were both 28 years old when we married, and I had already secured my government job. By the time we were 30, our child was born. The demands of our newborn, the work involved in starting to build our house, and my wife’s demanding job meant our lives were intensely busy for several years. We simply navigated life, focused on these external demands.
The Subtle Shift
The first signs of trouble began to appear when we were both 36 years old. By this time, our daughter was older, and we had finished building and moved into our new home. Crucially, the extreme busy-ness that had defined our early marriage was slowly starting to recede.
Perhaps because of this new quiet space, I began to notice subtle changes in my wife’s behavior.
Initially, she became intolerant of my presence and my views. She began to actively contradict me, even when there was ample opportunity for agreement, and she would deliberately seek out conflicts and arguments with me.
When these situations became a major problem, I confronted her, asking, “What exactly is happening to you?”
Her responses were irritable and defensive. She would say things like, “I know things, and I understand things. It’s not necessary for women to always follow what men say. We have the right to think and act independently. Women need the opportunity to think for themselves.”
I should mention that I have never been a person who tried to suppress or control my wife. I had always allowed her to pursue her interests, respected her opinions, and supported her decisions. The reader will understand this more clearly as the story unfolds.
The change in her became a huge problem for me. Her social media activity became focused entirely on posts and ideas championing “independent women.” She shared quotes, articles, and discussions about independence, and I noticed that her comments sections were filled with a large number of women who thought and argued similarly. I realized she was part of various private Facebook groups discussing these topics, and many of the women seemed to carry a visible anger toward men.
I knew that some of these women were divorced or separated from their husbands.
While other women may have their own valid problems with men, my wife had no reasonable grounds for her generalized antagonism. Her father was a good man, her sisters’ husbands were good men, and my own brother is a good man. Apart from me, the men closest to her life had never given her cause for distress.
Yet, during this period, I clearly understood that she was actively seeking out my flaws and shortcomings to deliberately inconvenience and humiliate me.
Perhaps my patience, my sensitivity, and my naturally reserved nature provided a fertile ground for her growing sense of entitlement and arrogance.
The Discovery and the Fall
As her behavior grew increasingly volatile, I decided I needed to understand what was truly happening. One day, while she was downstairs, I examined her mobile phone, which she had left in our bedroom.
I found a WhatsApp chat with an unmarried man from her workplace, someone close to our age. The reports about him were that he was somewhat of a notorious playboy.
The chat revealed that a romantic relationship had recently begun between them. They were addressing each other with extremely affectionate and loving words. It was an unbearable and unimaginable shock.
The emotional impact was so profound that I literally could not walk down the stairs from our room. I had to descend the steps in two separate, staggered attempts. The intense shock and disgust led me to physically vomit. Only after recovering from the physical reaction did I confront her.
She admitted to the affair. Immediately afterward, she tried to convince me that she was driven to it because of my faults and shortcomings.
I then asked her, “Alright, so what do you want from me? Do you want to leave and be with him?”
Though she did not give me a clear answer, I understood that she was extremely attached to this other man.
🛑 I told her to ask the man directly: “If I divorce my husband and come to you, will you marry me and take responsibility for me?”
At that moment, my wife was clearly ready to leave me and our marriage for him. She asked him the question exactly as I had instructed.
🛑 His response was a direct evasion. He did not give a straight answer and subsequently moved to sever all ties with her.
I knew that she was devastated by his rejection. I tried my best to comfort her, to rebuild our bond, and to heal her hurt, but she completely shut me out. She had already found an alternative emotional outlet.
The Most Painful Betrayal
🛑🛑This next part is the most critical and painful chapter of the story.
The alternative she chose was to share all of these events with a man she had met and known for some time via Facebook.
😳 This man became her “consoler”—her emotional refuge. I realized that while he was comforting her, he was simultaneously working to win her heart.
One day, my wife insisted that she absolutely had to go and meet this man. I couldn’t bring myself to oppose her wish. He lived too far away for her to make the trip and return on the same day.
Exactly one week after her affair with the colleague ended, my wife left to meet this Facebook acquaintance. I was the one who drove her to the bus station.
Before she left, I called the man. 🛑🛑😳 I said, “My friend, I am sending you my life, my heart, and the mother of my child. Please take care of her and send her back safely.”
I was reduced to a desperate, pitiful state, begging a complete stranger. My wife had rendered me completely helpless.
Later, I saw a message on my wife’s phone where that man, the one I had pleaded with, referred to me as a “spineless fool” (“nōñjalayek”) for making that request. That memory still causes me immense pain.
I eventually learned the full extent of the trip:
🛑😳 My wife and the man went to a hotel and stayed there. 🛑😳 They drank alcohol and smoked cigarettes together. 🛑😳 My wife spent the night in the hotel, though the man did not stay with her that entire night.
A few days after the incident, I discovered that sexual activity had occurred between them.
The Long Road to Healing
When I learned about the infidelity, I was totally and utterly shattered mentally. That pain is one I have struggled to overcome to this day, though I must acknowledge that it has somewhat lessened.
Despite the burning agony and sorrow that I bear alone, I continued to strive to have a good relationship with my wife. Our efforts have been successful to an extent, but it remains difficult for me to subdue the torment that burns within my heart.
For reasons I don’t fully understand, her relationship with the second man also eventually ended. My wife is now back to being loving toward me, as she was before. I too am trying my best to act like I have forgotten everything, and she seems to believe that I have moved on. We rarely speak of the past.
Perhaps she, like me, is also privately regretting what happened.
I believe that my patience and endurance saved our marriage and helped us to move forward. For this, I am truly content.
A Message from My Heart
If you are a woman in a marriage, the message I want to give you is this: Men who approach you under the guise of solving your problems might only be seeking to play with your life. Not only your life, but also the lives of your loving husband and your children.
If you have problems with your husband, seek professional help. Discuss them with a qualified counselor to find solutions within your marriage.
The cruel message calling me a “spineless fool” caused me intense suffering for a long time. However, speaking with a counselor helped me understand that such self-pity was unnecessary.
Perhaps my “foolishness” or extreme patience saved two families and several lives from a far more catastrophic ending. I have come to understand that in that respect, I should be proud of the man I am.
Postscript: A Counselor’s Perspective
Many readers ask how individuals going through such intense psychological trauma are brought back to a state of mental well-being. Here are a few of the therapeutic techniques implemented with this client:
1. Narrative Therapy (Talking Cure)
Individuals facing such trauma often have a massive story they cannot share due to social pressures. We provide them with a safe, confidential space and time to tell their story however they wish. The counselor offers deep, non-judgmental listening, which provides immense relief and catharsis. This acts as a primary tool instead of, for example, hypnosis.
2. Psychological Insight and Understanding
We work to provide the client with a broader psychological and humanistic understanding of his wife’s actions and why she might have behaved that way. Through various methods, we foster a human perspective of the wife, preventing feelings of hatred, anger, or resentment toward her.
We also clarify the true nature of the other individuals involved. In this case, understanding the reality behind being called a “spineless fool” and realizing its actual context brought the client significant relief.
3. Buddhist Counseling
For a client who identifies as a good Buddhist, teachings on the nature of suffering, attachment, craving, desire, and the consequences of passion were highly effective. These teachings provided a framework for understanding and mitigating his pain.
4. Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT)
This therapy addresses the mental distress caused by unrealistic beliefs and ideas. This client held several irrational beliefs about love, marriage, and devotion that were contributing to his psychological distress. REBT helped to correct these core beliefs.
After several sessions, this client achieved a significant level of recovery and psychological stability.
